So it was back to routine today…back to work. It helps me as it gives me something else to think about.

My daughter had so go to see the doctor today, cause of an old injury that was still bothering her….why can’t I think like a rational person it’s probably nothing but my mind wonders.

I think the worst possible outcome….I can’t help it…it’s who I am…but as time has passed I have been able to recognise that I am thinking irrationally.

I have been guilty of clogging up the emergency department, or wasting the GP’s time, and may have been referred to as being a PP (paranoid parent).

But I ask you this….who wouldn’t react like this having experienced the worst thing possible…. loosing my own child. 💙💙💙💙

So today was panto day for us, just me and the kids…..and you know it was a great day we all loved it.

There is one thing I really struggle with, its if I hear a child crying. Since I lost my son there is something inside me that just makes me want to get up and go to them. I physically have to stop myself, unless it’s mine or my friends of course.

Then if I see someone asleep I can’t just peer over and say aww they are sleeping. I watch to make sure they are breathing….this is something I accept is now part of who I am. This won’t change or go away..this is me💙💔

Having spent a lovely couple of days with family and friends whom I love dearly.. .. and eat loads….I’m exhausted.

I hope you all have managed to make Christmas the best you could, enjoyed time with friends and family and thought of your loved ones in heaven.

You know it is true, you can be so consumed by grief that you forget the present…..and I spent many a year doing this, so much so there’s not much I remember from the years following the death of my son.

But some things stick in your mind….those things are important if you are experiencing them right now, as in time when your ready they are the things that will help you put the jigsaw of those years back together so don’t stress about it. It will all come together 💙💙

Yesterday was hard for me as I sat watching the children opening their presents, I couldn’t help but think about my eldest who should be here with us too.

I miss him each and every day but Christmas time, birthdays, anniversaries are always s little more difficult.

I hope you all managed to get through the day, whichever way you chose whether it was a quiet day or time with family, I hope you found the strength to make it a special day.

For me today it’s another day with family and friends, and no doubt I will have moments when my mind will wonder to think about my eldest, 18 years on and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Always in my heart and mind you are my boy.

I hope you all have a good day whatever you decide to do…. 💙

After the kids have opened their presents and everyone is busy in taking a momentbto myself before I make dinner to think of those I have loved and lost, and lighting a candle in their memory.

I can’t reiterate enough how important it is for you to do what’s right for you today. It’s a difficult day…but it’s only another day…. tomorrow is untouched.

Be brave embrace what you can….. Take joy from making others happy, here for you all x

Whether you have children to prepare for or not….there is always that nagging thought…..I should be buying presents, should have an extra sack.

Find comfort in giving to others, whether it’s the offer of joining you for lunch or a small gift or even a few kind words.

Seeing others happy makes me smile, gives me faith….and warms my heart💓

So today is a busy day thankfully lots to do, lots of visitors. As the big day approaches there is only one thing I would like for Christmas

…….it’s the one thing I can’t have.

Thinking of all of you over the festive period…..and don’t forget do what’s right for you.❤️💗

People will say the wrong thing….it’s wrong in your eyes…..this is because they don’t know what to say. They don’t know what to say to you….this is because they have over thought things.

They don’t understand what your going through…they don’t know what your feeling….this is why what they are saying may seem wrong to you.

Find peace in the fact that they are trying to say something to make you feel better…..look beyond their words these people do care ❤️

Do what feels right for you…I used to visit my son’s grave every Christmas morning after we had done the presents. After a while I chose not to go on Christmas day as it changed my mindset for the whole day.

Don’t do what people expect you to do, don’t feel pressured. Only you know how best to deal with your loss over the Christmas period.

And if that means you just want a quiet private Christmas or even some time alone… then that’s what you should do. If you change your mind during the day having already made plans…then that’s ok too. Follow your heart, and don’t worry about what other people think as only you knows you properly xxx

Everyone is there for the same purpose this close to Christmas. We are all on a mission to tidy up and clean the graves ready for the big day and to remember our loved ones…

Not much is said, but the eye contact and sympathetic smile we give each other is heartfelt 💙

It’s unfair I see the age on many a headstone as I approach my son’s…the age range varies….why couldn’t our children live longer…. 💙👼