I never thought it would feel like this….

I guess the reality is that we do grow around our grief, but growing around the grief means that centre the core of pain still remains.

I have grown as a person, more than ever I am aware of my emotions. But, despite this I still have struggles, lige brings struggles and we have no choice but to face them.

Slightly imperfect, I face them head on, even though there are times I think in just can’t I do.

Hurt, huts more than ever, upset, hurts more than ever, love, I love mor than ever.

The only thing I can think is that being in tune with my emotions doesn’t just turn into kindness and determination it turns emotions stronger. The good makes me cry the bad makes me cry, but I continue……

Difficult times….

2021, what a year its been so far!

Covid continued and I carried on working from home, homeschooling and being mum and housewife. I wasn’t well not sure what was going on but I was unwell.

I was also still doing my degree and coming to my final exams, when I found myself single again!

How a was I going to manage, how was i going to complete my exams. Panic struck, but I continued.

Good news I have completed my degree, and have signed up for the masters.

Also took the plunge and saw the doctor, and yes I wasn’t well, B12 deficiency and the dreaded menopause has struck me at 42.

There is something that struck me about the menopause, feelings of being less of a woman, and not being able to have more children. Not that I wanted anymore but having the choice taken away from me was very surreal.

Looking forward now I know that some things just can’t be fixed, and some things will be broken forever.

The last few months have taught me that people do believe only one version of every story and don’t consider both sides. I know that people can switch off emotions as quick as they switch them on.

Me I remain slightly fragile, but I feel, I love and I protect my cubs. I am looking forward not back and to all the haters, well come walk in my shoes, only then will you have the right to judge 👌😊

Relationships….

Relationship can be hard for someone who has faced a trauma, such as child loss.

Mainly due to the protective cover you place around yourself, as you just can’t face any more hurt. But also due to the fact that you know nothing else could be as bad as that experience.

I live my life trying to be the best I can be, and will do anything to make my family happy. I will give without thought, help where need and support anyone who needs it.

Over the last month I have faced a relationship breakdown, it’s been a hard time, but it won’t break me, after all nothing can be as bad as what I have already faced.

But I refuse not to open my heart again, I, just like every other person in the world deserve happiness. There’s nothing harder than being vulnerable and allowing yourself to be available, but without that you will never find real love.

Don’t place your life on hold, life is far to short, bugger judgement. Be you, be bold and be beautiful. Those who gossip about you, are not your true friends. There will never be a right time so don’t be waiting for it.

Loss, lockdown and the future

Back in 2000 when my life fell apart in an instant, I couldn’t see a future, or happiness going forward.

I battled daily with the pain of having to continue life without my boy. Things like this just aren’t meant to happen no parent should ever have to lose a child

2020 and lockdown has had an affect on me, its at times tested my strength and on occasion its take me to a dark place.

Now in 3rd year of university with only a couple of months left, and the world slowly getting back to normal, there is a little light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I am so lucky to have my little family. I’m not sure what the future holds, but I must face it head on.

To whoever may be struggling right now, don’t give up, talk, discuss take a breath and trust in yourself. Words can mean nothing when your hearing them, but trust that everyone that talks to you are trying to support you and help you 💙💔

No matter what I will be OK……

I read the above today and how someone has taken this as their go to saying.

Mine has always been, ‘I am made of strong stuff’ or ‘having been through what I have, iit honestly can’t get any worse’.

But I like the positivity of the above quote, it’s a sign of inner strength. Although often I feel that I am very weak and fragile, all that I have been through has made me be more resilient, more aware but most of all stronger than I thought I could ever be.

Embrace who you are

Do you have something you say to yourself when things get tough?