Hi everyone, so its been a while.

Life has thrown a few swings and roundabouts my way, work, volunteering and studies have taken over.

I’m continuing on a journey that isnt that easy if I’m honest, the hardest part is now having to prioritise and take some difficult decisions about stopping doing some of the things I love. But there is only me and I can’t continue to do everything without additional support.

My emotions have been all over the shop, since the menopause came knocking, making it hard to focus and remember. I thought baby brain was bad !!

The kids are doing well and growing up far too quick, the eldest is now an adult! Cant believe it if I’m honest.

I still can’t quite believe how lucky I am to have my 2 children after such a traumatic journey to motherhood. Then to become a guardian to a 3rd, who has taught me a lot about myself, and having to parent in a totally different way. Every days a challenge but I wouldn’t change a thing.

My graduation us finally happening next week a year later than planned, but I’m glad even if it’s a pain finding a dress. I worked hard so only right to celebrate it in style.

My tip of the day……….. expect nothing, savour everything, breathe, stop and listen. Speak out if you need to be heard….there is always someone out there who will listen.

How can it be that you would be 22 tomorrow, almost 22 years since I held you in my arms. My boy, I should have seen you grow into a young man.

My heart aches for you daily, and that feeling of something being missing is in everything I do, everything we celebrate and every day I know I’m not kissing you goodnight or telling you I love you❤️

Know that I love you so so much and that you are my boy, and every day I make sure I still talk of you to keep your memory alive. Forever my baby boy 💙💔

Christmas once again has been and gone, but not without its niggling reminders.

The reminder that I can only buy items for your grave.

The reminder that your my angel on the tree

The reminder that we have 3 Christmas Sacks not 4.

The positives well I got to love you for 6 weeks, I was your mammy. I was there and loved you, and continue to love you. I have you in my heart, mind and soul.

I am lucky to have been given the chance to be a mum again. Every day is a reminder your not here, but everyday is also a reminder that I have survived this journey that I am on.

I couldn’t be prouder of my kids and myself right now. I had the first Christmas morning of many on my own with the kids and this mama bear cracked it. Nothing will stop me.

Merry Christmas to you all, you can do this 🤶🎄😊

I guess the reality is that we do grow around our grief, but growing around the grief means that centre the core of pain still remains.

I have grown as a person, more than ever I am aware of my emotions. But, despite this I still have struggles, lige brings struggles and we have no choice but to face them.

Slightly imperfect, I face them head on, even though there are times I think in just can’t I do.

Hurt, huts more than ever, upset, hurts more than ever, love, I love mor than ever.

The only thing I can think is that being in tune with my emotions doesn’t just turn into kindness and determination it turns emotions stronger. The good makes me cry the bad makes me cry, but I continue……

2021, what a year its been so far!

Covid continued and I carried on working from home, homeschooling and being mum and housewife. I wasn’t well not sure what was going on but I was unwell.

I was also still doing my degree and coming to my final exams, when I found myself single again!

How a was I going to manage, how was i going to complete my exams. Panic struck, but I continued.

Good news I have completed my degree, and have signed up for the masters.

Also took the plunge and saw the doctor, and yes I wasn’t well, B12 deficiency and the dreaded menopause has struck me at 42.

There is something that struck me about the menopause, feelings of being less of a woman, and not being able to have more children. Not that I wanted anymore but having the choice taken away from me was very surreal.

Looking forward now I know that some things just can’t be fixed, and some things will be broken forever.

The last few months have taught me that people do believe only one version of every story and don’t consider both sides. I know that people can switch off emotions as quick as they switch them on.

Me I remain slightly fragile, but I feel, I love and I protect my cubs. I am looking forward not back and to all the haters, well come walk in my shoes, only then will you have the right to judge 👌😊

Relationship can be hard for someone who has faced a trauma, such as child loss.

Mainly due to the protective cover you place around yourself, as you just can’t face any more hurt. But also due to the fact that you know nothing else could be as bad as that experience.

I live my life trying to be the best I can be, and will do anything to make my family happy. I will give without thought, help where need and support anyone who needs it.

Over the last month I have faced a relationship breakdown, it’s been a hard time, but it won’t break me, after all nothing can be as bad as what I have already faced.

But I refuse not to open my heart again, I, just like every other person in the world deserve happiness. There’s nothing harder than being vulnerable and allowing yourself to be available, but without that you will never find real love.

Don’t place your life on hold, life is far to short, bugger judgement. Be you, be bold and be beautiful. Those who gossip about you, are not your true friends. There will never be a right time so don’t be waiting for it.