The one thing about myself that I would change is the way I think. Believe me it isn’t how I want to think, and its not like I haven’t tried to change it…..
Imagine going about your daily life just like everyone else, but you over notice or over analyse everything.
You see someone struggle you want to help…
You see someone fall… Omg they are going to die?
You see someone sleeping…. Omg are they breathing?
You get angry when you feel people are not listening too your concerns, or you think they aren’t putting enough thought into their actions….
You see for them it’s an easy thing to put themselves first, to go and do what they want without a thought. For me…. Its can I, what if, how, no I can’t,. Might need to do something else, can’t be selfish people need me…..
Im exhausted from thinking, I’m exhausted living this daily battle with my mind rationalising every single thought, feeling, action.
Am I normal, God damn it yes I am!
Am I crazy? No I’m not, because I know why I do what I do, and know how to talk myself out of the overthinking.
What is crazy is the perception of those who just don’t understand, and lucky for them they never will 🤔
Life has thrown a few swings and roundabouts my way, work, volunteering and studies have taken over.
I’m continuing on a journey that isnt that easy if I’m honest, the hardest part is now having to prioritise and take some difficult decisions about stopping doing some of the things I love. But there is only me and I can’t continue to do everything without additional support.
My emotions have been all over the shop, since the menopause came knocking, making it hard to focus and remember. I thought baby brain was bad !!
The kids are doing well and growing up far too quick, the eldest is now an adult! Cant believe it if I’m honest.
I still can’t quite believe how lucky I am to have my 2 children after such a traumatic journey to motherhood. Then to become a guardian to a 3rd, who has taught me a lot about myself, and having to parent in a totally different way. Every days a challenge but I wouldn’t change a thing.
My graduation us finally happening next week a year later than planned, but I’m glad even if it’s a pain finding a dress. I worked hard so only right to celebrate it in style.
My tip of the day……….. expect nothing, savour everything, breathe, stop and listen. Speak out if you need to be heard….there is always someone out there who will listen.
I guess the reality is that we do grow around our grief, but growing around the grief means that centre the core of pain still remains.
I have grown as a person, more than ever I am aware of my emotions. But, despite this I still have struggles, lige brings struggles and we have no choice but to face them.
Slightly imperfect, I face them head on, even though there are times I think in just can’t I do.
Hurt, huts more than ever, upset, hurts more than ever, love, I love mor than ever.
The only thing I can think is that being in tune with my emotions doesn’t just turn into kindness and determination it turns emotions stronger. The good makes me cry the bad makes me cry, but I continue……
Covid continued and I carried on working from home, homeschooling and being mum and housewife. I wasn’t well not sure what was going on but I was unwell.
I was also still doing my degree and coming to my final exams, when I found myself single again!
How a was I going to manage, how was i going to complete my exams. Panic struck, but I continued.
Good news I have completed my degree, and have signed up for the masters.
Also took the plunge and saw the doctor, and yes I wasn’t well, B12 deficiency and the dreaded menopause has struck me at 42.
There is something that struck me about the menopause, feelings of being less of a woman, and not being able to have more children. Not that I wanted anymore but having the choice taken away from me was very surreal.
Looking forward now I know that some things just can’t be fixed, and some things will be broken forever.
The last few months have taught me that people do believe only one version of every story and don’t consider both sides. I know that people can switch off emotions as quick as they switch them on.
Me I remain slightly fragile, but I feel, I love and I protect my cubs. I am looking forward not back and to all the haters, well come walk in my shoes, only then will you have the right to judge 👌😊
Relationship can be hard for someone who has faced a trauma, such as child loss.
Mainly due to the protective cover you place around yourself, as you just can’t face any more hurt. But also due to the fact that you know nothing else could be as bad as that experience.
I live my life trying to be the best I can be, and will do anything to make my family happy. I will give without thought, help where need and support anyone who needs it.
Over the last month I have faced a relationship breakdown, it’s been a hard time, but it won’t break me, after all nothing can be as bad as what I have already faced.
But I refuse not to open my heart again, I, just like every other person in the world deserve happiness. There’s nothing harder than being vulnerable and allowing yourself to be available, but without that you will never find real love.
Don’t place your life on hold, life is far to short, bugger judgement. Be you, be bold and be beautiful. Those who gossip about you, are not your true friends. There will never be a right time so don’t be waiting for it.