So as I sit here having spent the day with family and devoured a roast dinner….I only wish I was setting the table for 6….there is a permanent void in my heart 💙

Looking into the new year…..my only wish is that I continue to set the table for 5….I hope and pray that my family remain safe and well and we continue on our journey one day at a time….one foot in front of the other.

I wish you all a happy and healthy new year, and hope that you all find the courage and strength to face the challenges ahead. 💙💔💙

Sivas I prepare for a new years eve get together, I’m thinking of something someone said to me today….

‘your like super woman, you don’t stop ….always on the go…’

Well yes this is true…..not sure about superwoman…but I am always on the go always pushing myself…always striving to be better.

You see if I stopped or when I stop….I’m not sure what I will do….. This is what keeps me going 💙💔

I sadly heard today of the passing of a young man who is the son of a school friend…..

There are no words 😭

Heaven has gained another beautiful angel 👼💙

I’m not sure about the ‘times a great healer’ ……but what I do know from my own experience is that time doesn’t heal however with time you find ways, tactics, methods, distractions,things that help you continue on your journey.

You build your resilience over time and yes things doo get better…… This doesn’t mean you have forgotten it means you have found strength.💪💙

So it was back to routine today…back to work. It helps me as it gives me something else to think about.

My daughter had so go to see the doctor today, cause of an old injury that was still bothering her….why can’t I think like a rational person it’s probably nothing but my mind wonders.

I think the worst possible outcome….I can’t help it…it’s who I am…but as time has passed I have been able to recognise that I am thinking irrationally.

I have been guilty of clogging up the emergency department, or wasting the GP’s time, and may have been referred to as being a PP (paranoid parent).

But I ask you this….who wouldn’t react like this having experienced the worst thing possible…. loosing my own child. 💙💙💙💙

So today was panto day for us, just me and the kids…..and you know it was a great day we all loved it.

There is one thing I really struggle with, its if I hear a child crying. Since I lost my son there is something inside me that just makes me want to get up and go to them. I physically have to stop myself, unless it’s mine or my friends of course.

Then if I see someone asleep I can’t just peer over and say aww they are sleeping. I watch to make sure they are breathing….this is something I accept is now part of who I am. This won’t change or go away..this is me💙💔

Having spent a lovely couple of days with family and friends whom I love dearly.. .. and eat loads….I’m exhausted.

I hope you all have managed to make Christmas the best you could, enjoyed time with friends and family and thought of your loved ones in heaven.

You know it is true, you can be so consumed by grief that you forget the present…..and I spent many a year doing this, so much so there’s not much I remember from the years following the death of my son.

But some things stick in your mind….those things are important if you are experiencing them right now, as in time when your ready they are the things that will help you put the jigsaw of those years back together so don’t stress about it. It will all come together 💙💙

Yesterday was hard for me as I sat watching the children opening their presents, I couldn’t help but think about my eldest who should be here with us too.

I miss him each and every day but Christmas time, birthdays, anniversaries are always s little more difficult.

I hope you all managed to get through the day, whichever way you chose whether it was a quiet day or time with family, I hope you found the strength to make it a special day.

For me today it’s another day with family and friends, and no doubt I will have moments when my mind will wonder to think about my eldest, 18 years on and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Always in my heart and mind you are my boy.

I hope you all have a good day whatever you decide to do…. 💙

After the kids have opened their presents and everyone is busy in taking a momentbto myself before I make dinner to think of those I have loved and lost, and lighting a candle in their memory.

I can’t reiterate enough how important it is for you to do what’s right for you today. It’s a difficult day…but it’s only another day…. tomorrow is untouched.

Be brave embrace what you can….. Take joy from making others happy, here for you all x