Hi all,

I’ve been quiet recently I know, but this lockdown business continues here in Wales.

It’s not been an easy time, and I’ve been on a bit of a roller-coaster. You see when your a busy busy person like I am, being at home 24 hours a day isn’t good. Don’t get me wrong I’m still working and volunteering, but being in these four walls has proved quite difficult.

I’ve had time to address some more renovation on the house, but also to revisit some of my own issues. That’s right I’m not perfect😂. I know people see me as some of the words I’ve heard, superwoman, Jack of all trades remarkable etc, but although I am strong I’m not perfect. My experiences have left their mark on me, I’m not invincible.

I’m looking forward to go back to work, although I’m working from home, it’s not the same. It’s my guilty pleasure going to work I think. It’s the only place I can be me and not mum.

Anyway, I’m fine, doing OK, and actually acceptance comes into play again, accepting the situation we are in, and accepting that I am doing an OK job at it. Doing the best I can 👌

I still have things that are holding me back in life.

I over react, I find it difficult to rationalise things, but these I know are a direct result of the trauma I have faced in my life. So instead I regularly have to take time out to think and put things in perspective.

One thing that is really bugging me at the moment is that I cry, whenever I am in a 1-1meeting or at the doctors and the focus is on me.

I really wish I didn’t do this….. I feel it gives people the wrong impression of who I am. At the doctors it’s always been, maybe you need anti depressants to take the edge off!!… No I don’t, I don’t even know why I’m crying.

So my focus now is to try and resolve this……. Wish me luck, I’m going on a journey🤞😊❤️💙💔

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I remember feeling like I was on my own, especially after the funeral took place. Everything seemed busy up to that point.

Then as everyone started to go back to their normal routine, my god did i feel alone.

I knew I had people that were there for me, but I felt like I was being a burden to them.

What makes grieving mums feel alone at such a horrendous time, is that we feel nobody unless having experienced the same, will know or understand what we are feeling.

I just want to say there are so many people sadly who have experienced such loss and pain, we are here for you. You are not alone ❤️

So as my son is soon turning 16 in a couple of weeks I thought I would share with you how things were back then…..

4 years after losing my first son….. I found I was pregnant. Those four years were the most difficult of my life, I was lost, I put myself in harms way, I cried, I screamed, I shouted…..

Then I stumbled across the man that was going to change everything, he knew I needed looking after, and he did just that….. I became pregnant soon after.

I went into labour, it was so scary, the 9 months of pregnancy had been a constant worry…. They led me towards the room I gave birth to my first son……. I said please no….. They swiftly turned me around and took me to another room.

You were born perfect, the best behaved baby ever…… You bought sunshine to my life again…. I had so many sleepless nights worrying I would lose you too, and would check on you all the time.

Days, went to weeks to years and to this day you still bring sunshine into my life, your a teenager so you still make me scream a shout, but you’re worth it. But most of all to this day I still check on you in the night and worry about you. But I would not change you for the world. I’m so proud of you ❤️😊🌍

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If you are just beginning your journey, you may read this blog and think ‘I will never get to where she is’.

Let me tell you I never thought I would be where I am either.

Losing my son has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Its been the worst possible nightmare that has affected the rest of my life. It will continue to affect my life till the day I die.

Accepting his passing, which took a good few years, that I mainly don’t remember or chose to forget. Has allowed me to build myself up again.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him, and there will always be triggers, but that’s OK because he was my boy and if that’s how his memory stays with me then I will accept my thoughts and triggers with open arms.

Every trigger is painful but for the moment your with me, you fill that little hole in my heart❤️💕💙💔