I go about my plans just like everyone else. Shopping, food, presents, then the longest time finding the right thing to place on his headstone. Nothing ever feels enough, but I know everything is placed with thought and love behind it.

20 years on and christmas still feels hard, but I do everything I do for my family. I have 3 children who deserve a special Christmas and without fail they get it.

There are moments of sadness of course, moments I sit and ponder over the fact that I should be watching 4 kids open their presents, and my stomach feels sick when we place the santa sacks in the lounge. Just 3 πŸ’”

He is with me every day in my heart and soul, nothing can take that away from me.

Love is endless, I didn’t believe it but now.

Don’t beat yourself up for being tearful or not wanting Christmas at all. Do what’s right for you. After all you have to do what’s right for you, because it’s you here living through your loss. β€οΈπŸ’™πŸ’”

Heightened emotions

When you have lost a child, or been through a traumatic experience, you have heightened emotion.

You can’t rationalise your thoughts, if you see someone hurt, it hurts you too. If you think something bad will happen, it can be so real in your mind.

Your not going mad your you, you have cause to feel this way. Don’t let anyone undermine your thoughts or feelings.

They will never understand unless they have experienced trauma, accept this and don’t wish they could.

Let’s face it we wouldn’t want them to understand would we πŸ’”πŸ’™

The missing piece

I have accepted that I have a missing piece…..

The empty space at the table, the one less stocking at Christmas. That feeling like you forgot something.

Nothing can fill the void, and thats OK. Don’t search for anything to fill the void, because it will be an endless journey.

Stop searching and accept this void, that way your life journey will continue and the void will become your new normal. I know its a normal none of us want, but it’s the best it can be.

Acceptance is key to the next chapter

I dont have the answers….

You may think I have all the answers you need, but I don’t. No child loss is ever the same or similar. Not even those who have died in similar circumstance are the same or similar.

It comes down to so many differing factors, the circumstances, feelings, strength, network, ability, experiences and so much more.

I only know my story, and I will not ever compare my story to anyone else’s because they aren’t the same as me.

The only advice I ever give anyone is to never feel pressured into doing things they may not want, as this is where regrets are planted.

To only do things when it feels right, same reason to have no regrets.

Thirdly and most importantly this is your grief journey, nobody else’s but don’t do it alone, share your feelings if not with family and friends, do it with a support service. Sometimes the journey is too hard alone πŸ’”πŸ’™

As they grow….

My children are getting older, they are 15 and 16 now, and it comes with more worries.

The worry of alcohol fuelled parties and nights out, going in cars, it terrifies me! I have to let them be themselves and express themselves and trust that what I have taught them along the way is enough to safeguard them.

My biggest fear right now is loosing another child, it always has been if I’m honest. The moment I had another baby in my arms the fear became so real.

All I can do is support and advise the rest is up to them. Its a fear like no other…


Hi all,

I’ve been quiet recently I know, but this lockdown business continues here in Wales.

It’s not been an easy time, and I’ve been on a bit of a roller-coaster. You see when your a busy busy person like I am, being at home 24 hours a day isn’t good. Don’t get me wrong I’m still working and volunteering, but being in these four walls has proved quite difficult.

I’ve had time to address some more renovation on the house, but also to revisit some of my own issues. That’s right I’m not perfectπŸ˜‚. I know people see me as some of the words I’ve heard, superwoman, Jack of all trades remarkable etc, but although I am strong I’m not perfect. My experiences have left their mark on me, I’m not invincible.

I’m looking forward to go back to work, although I’m working from home, it’s not the same. It’s my guilty pleasure going to work I think. It’s the only place I can be me and not mum.

Anyway, I’m fine, doing OK, and actually acceptance comes into play again, accepting the situation we are in, and accepting that I am doing an OK job at it. Doing the best I can πŸ‘Œ