My anxiety has been uncontrollable over the last few weeks. I appreciate the simpler things in life and have been cautious since the pandemic began. The only real difference was working and studying from home and no outing on the weekend.

I was always extremely anxious about the pandemic, and got upset at the people who just didn’t care and carried on regardless.

But then my world came crashing in when 2 from our household tested positive. I can’t tell you the anxiety I have felt. But as we come to the end of the isolation period not fully recovered, and some way to go. I am thankful we have got through it.

You see its really hard to rationalise when you have come close to or have lost someone dear to you. I have had so many nightmares these last 2 weeks reliving the tragic loss I faced nearly 21 years ago. And worryk g it would happen again.

Please be careful, stay home, stay safe. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone during this pandemic. We are lucky and I appreciate everyone who has supported us, sent messages over the last few weeks. ❤️

I go about my plans just like everyone else. Shopping, food, presents, then the longest time finding the right thing to place on his headstone. Nothing ever feels enough, but I know everything is placed with thought and love behind it.

20 years on and christmas still feels hard, but I do everything I do for my family. I have 3 children who deserve a special Christmas and without fail they get it.

There are moments of sadness of course, moments I sit and ponder over the fact that I should be watching 4 kids open their presents, and my stomach feels sick when we place the santa sacks in the lounge. Just 3 💔

He is with me every day in my heart and soul, nothing can take that away from me.

Love is endless, I didn’t believe it but now.

Don’t beat yourself up for being tearful or not wanting Christmas at all. Do what’s right for you. After all you have to do what’s right for you, because it’s you here living through your loss. ❤️💙💔

When you have lost a child, or been through a traumatic experience, you have heightened emotion.

You can’t rationalise your thoughts, if you see someone hurt, it hurts you too. If you think something bad will happen, it can be so real in your mind.

Your not going mad your you, you have cause to feel this way. Don’t let anyone undermine your thoughts or feelings.

They will never understand unless they have experienced trauma, accept this and don’t wish they could.

Let’s face it we wouldn’t want them to understand would we 💔💙