You feel lonely…..

I remember feeling like I was on my own, especially after the funeral took place. Everything seemed busy up to that point.

Then as everyone started to go back to their normal routine, my god did i feel alone.

I knew I had people that were there for me, but I felt like I was being a burden to them.

What makes grieving mums feel alone at such a horrendous time, is that we feel nobody unless having experienced the same, will know or understand what we are feeling.

I just want to say there are so many people sadly who have experienced such loss and pain, we are here for you. You are not alone ❤️

He’s almost 16…….

So as my son is soon turning 16 in a couple of weeks I thought I would share with you how things were back then…..

4 years after losing my first son….. I found I was pregnant. Those four years were the most difficult of my life, I was lost, I put myself in harms way, I cried, I screamed, I shouted…..

Then I stumbled across the man that was going to change everything, he knew I needed looking after, and he did just that….. I became pregnant soon after.

I went into labour, it was so scary, the 9 months of pregnancy had been a constant worry…. They led me towards the room I gave birth to my first son……. I said please no….. They swiftly turned me around and took me to another room.

You were born perfect, the best behaved baby ever…… You bought sunshine to my life again…. I had so many sleepless nights worrying I would lose you too, and would check on you all the time.

Days, went to weeks to years and to this day you still bring sunshine into my life, your a teenager so you still make me scream a shout, but you’re worth it. But most of all to this day I still check on you in the night and worry about you. But I would not change you for the world. I’m so proud of you ❤️😊🌍

It’s not been easy… And it’s not easy now….

If you are just beginning your journey, you may read this blog and think ‘I will never get to where she is’.

Let me tell you I never thought I would be where I am either.

Losing my son has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Its been the worst possible nightmare that has affected the rest of my life. It will continue to affect my life till the day I die.

Accepting his passing, which took a good few years, that I mainly don’t remember or chose to forget. Has allowed me to build myself up again.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him, and there will always be triggers, but that’s OK because he was my boy and if that’s how his memory stays with me then I will accept my thoughts and triggers with open arms.

Every trigger is painful but for the moment your with me, you fill that little hole in my heart❤️💕💙💔

20 years on….

This week it was the anniversary of my little boys death, 20 years since he gained his angel wings. It was a difficult day, and found myself going to the cemetery 8pm. I needed to tidy up his headstone and give him some flowers. 20 years in I miss my boy and the man that he would have become, its the little things…like when we sit at the table I always feel there’s something missing, birthdays and christmas the gifts aren’t enough.
I have accepted that he has gone and that was key to carrying on. I had ups and downs like everyone else. There were days when I didn’t want yo do anything… So I didn’t.
20 years into my journey having lost my first child, I have 2 beautiful children, I’m a Foster mum just turned guardian. A student, work part time, and volunteer for Cruse.
I am proud of who I am today……
My message to you all is grief is a process there is no time limit, nor right or wrong. Do what makes you happy or feels right… 👼💜💔
My personal blog is:
https://lifeafterchildloss.blog/

Reality

The reality is pretty shit let’s be honest…. I’m not usually so blunt in my blogs, but today I really feel the need.

You see when you’ve lost someone, your anxiety in relation to death and dying is heightened, not only that your emotions in general are heightened. You become more emotionally aware.

I don’t wish for anyone to die of this horrible illness, but reality is people will. I’m scared, not only for my friends and family, but for everyone.

But along with my fears comes a real anger towards stupidity. What I mean by this is those people who are still going to pubs to get drunk all day (pubs that should be closed I might add). People who go from house to house every day as normal. People who get together despite the restrictions.

These people aren’t invisible, but I fear they are suffering from ignorance.

If I could do anything, I would change their mindset, but how on earth do I do that????

I have no idea, so for now I will focus on me and mine………❤️💔💔💙

Pandemic

This thing is real….

But more than that is the feelings I have in relation to it all.

I am stressed beyond belief, not only do I have to continue with my studies at home, but I have to continue working, volunteering, home schooling, cooking and housekeeping, be a mum and Foster mum, all of which I don’t mind but know its going to be a struggle.

My emotions are heightened, I don’t want to lose anyone else in my life. I’ve lost so much, my son, my dad, aunties, uncles, grandad, best friend. Now more than ever I want everyone to remain safe and healthy, so I’m willing to lose my freedom.

But I have a dilemma, you see my big kids want to go about with their business as usual, go see their dad, visit their grandparents. Do I let them? What if they got ill as a result of these visits, what if, what if what if…….

It’s a crazy world out there at the moment, I’m going to take it day by day. And hope and pray that we see you at the other end of this scary time ❤️💕💔💙

We feel…..

When you have faced heartache and grief, you will do anything you can to help others.

One memory that lasts is all the people that came to my door, offering their warmth, support and thoughts.

We know what it’s like to be in the darkest of places in our lives, we know what it’s like to need help or support in the months or years that follow, but most of all we know what it’s like to hurt.

I would never be able to not do my best for others, nor would I ever put myself first, I will always try and help even if it is to my own detriment.

But somehow in the midst of all of this I often become the forgotten one, fiercely independent, strong, determined and often alone.

But I won’t change who I am now, I’m stronger than I have ever been, I have the most beautiful family and I’m back on my feet, living again and being the best person I can be💔💙

My children….

I have never kept anything from my children, they know they had a big brother.

They have recognised when I’m unhappy, worried, unsure and so much more. This doesn’t mean I’m a bad parent, I know we are there to protect our children, but should we hide emotions from them too.

For me never hide, emotions are every human beings way of dealing with worries, stresses and grief. My children are in tune with their emotions and can express themselves. I couldn’t be prouder of who they are today.

I spent many a sleepless night worrying of how my hard times would have affected the children, and it will always worry me, but reality is that there was no need to worry.

As I continued on my journey through grief, and despite my own issues, I always no matter what did the best for my children, and it shows.

Be proud of yourself and your journey and digest the positives others say about you❤️💙💔