I lost years…..


I go about my plans just like everyone else. Shopping, food, presents, then the longest time finding the right thing to place on his headstone. Nothing ever feels enough, but I know everything is placed with thought and love behind it.

20 years on and christmas still feels hard, but I do everything I do for my family. I have 3 children who deserve a special Christmas and without fail they get it.

There are moments of sadness of course, moments I sit and ponder over the fact that I should be watching 4 kids open their presents, and my stomach feels sick when we place the santa sacks in the lounge. Just 3 💔

He is with me every day in my heart and soul, nothing can take that away from me.

Love is endless, I didn’t believe it but now.

Don’t beat yourself up for being tearful or not wanting Christmas at all. Do what’s right for you. After all you have to do what’s right for you, because it’s you here living through your loss. ❤️💙💔

Heightened emotions

When you have lost a child, or been through a traumatic experience, you have heightened emotion.

You can’t rationalise your thoughts, if you see someone hurt, it hurts you too. If you think something bad will happen, it can be so real in your mind.

Your not going mad your you, you have cause to feel this way. Don’t let anyone undermine your thoughts or feelings.

They will never understand unless they have experienced trauma, accept this and don’t wish they could.

Let’s face it we wouldn’t want them to understand would we 💔💙

The missing piece

I have accepted that I have a missing piece…..

The empty space at the table, the one less stocking at Christmas. That feeling like you forgot something.

Nothing can fill the void, and thats OK. Don’t search for anything to fill the void, because it will be an endless journey.

Stop searching and accept this void, that way your life journey will continue and the void will become your new normal. I know its a normal none of us want, but it’s the best it can be.

Acceptance is key to the next chapter

I dont have the answers….

You may think I have all the answers you need, but I don’t. No child loss is ever the same or similar. Not even those who have died in similar circumstance are the same or similar.

It comes down to so many differing factors, the circumstances, feelings, strength, network, ability, experiences and so much more.

I only know my story, and I will not ever compare my story to anyone else’s because they aren’t the same as me.

The only advice I ever give anyone is to never feel pressured into doing things they may not want, as this is where regrets are planted.

To only do things when it feels right, same reason to have no regrets.

Thirdly and most importantly this is your grief journey, nobody else’s but don’t do it alone, share your feelings if not with family and friends, do it with a support service. Sometimes the journey is too hard alone 💔💙