Exams have been this week, and I ain’t going lie it was a struggle…

I’ve been struggling since Christmas really, you see there is this thing…. Expectation…..

I hate expectations, I hate what it does, I should just be OK now right? … I know its been nearly 20 years since you grew your wings…. But you should be here with me. I want to see you grow, learn, achieve, love, have your own family…..

Instead I wonder……. Because that’s all I can do. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been, but still it’s a battle….. I am your mum, and I will live the best life I can for you. 💔💙

So it’s the beginning of another year another decade…. 2020. I will face this year head on just as I have done in the past.

2019 saw me complete my first year in uni and start my second year, I got more engaged with extra curricular activities including being a student rep, and a member of enactus. I completed my cruse bereavement training ready to support people in the new year. I left the NHS after many years and started working in the university.

I saw my beautiful children develop and grow and made precious memories. We finally completed the bedroom renovations after buying the house, we now officially have a 4 bedroom house. We completed part of the garden that is a very special safe space.

The year ahead I hope to complete the renovations on the ground floor of the house. Successfully complete my 2nd year in uni, secure a permanent part time job, continue to volunteer with cruse and scouts.

But most of all I hope to get to the end of 2020 happy and healthy, and I wish the same for all my family and friends ❤️💙🙏

Waw I was heavily pregnant this time 20years ago. Who would have thought that the millennium would be so cruel to us. I was one of the lucky ones who had a millennium baby, there was so much hype………. But, the world had a different path for us and he was sadly taken away from us far too soon……….

I don’t regret having him, as he was ours, if only for 6 weeks. I adored him and although we had such a short time with him, we made special memories.

I don’t remember much of the years that followed, but I don’t have any regrets as what I did then was the only way I knew how to survive.

20 years on….. Well what can I say, I’ve done well. I’m a mum again to 2 lovely children and a Foster mum. I’m successful, thoughtful and wise. I’m a tiger and I wear my stripes with pride🐅💙💔

The veg is prepped and the turkey cooked, the gifts are under the tree. Presents are placed in the cemetery, but my only wish is to have you. 💖🎄🎅

I think about you every day but especially near Christmas….when families come together, and joy is plain to see, my heart bleeds and my mind wonders, to you wherever you may be. I want to fill another sack, and set another place at the table, I want to see your smile and make memories for our future. Instead I will continue on this journey without you, my heart heavy and mind in wonder… I will visit the cemetery and place gifts on your grave, always and forever my beautiful baby boy 💙💕💕💖

As the term comes to an end at University… I near completion of the cruse bereavement support volunteer course, I’ve completed my first full term as an enactus vice president, and another term of being a beaver and cub leader and my part time job…

Im slowing down, and taking some time out for myself and my family, I’ve had a pampering this week, done some wrapping and baking….

But in the back of my mind is another Christmas with a piece of me in heaven. I wish I had to fill 4 sacks at Christmas, I wish I was setting the Christmas dinner table for 6…..

You live on in my heart little man💔💙

Sometimes you have to listen to what others say to you, words of encouragement, appreciation of your efforts, or one I hear quite often…. I don’t know how you do it.

I do it because I found strength in me,

when I accepted what was, and chose to continue life as the new me, not perfect but doing the best I can 💞❤️💙💔

You may have noticed I’ve been quiet lately, this is because I’ve been extremely busy..

I’ve started volunteering for cruse bereavement care, and am undergoing training.

Im doing it because I want to give something back to a service that helped me through my darkest times.

Never be afraid to ask for help 💙💔

The problem with facing a tragedy…. Is you lose yourself in the process.

I grieved for my son, but I also grieved the person I was..

Im 41, but the new me is only 19

Why.. Well because that day I became a new person, a person who panics when the kids take a tumble, a person who has a little bit of her heart in heaven, a person that wakes in the night to check on her children, a person who has earned her scars…

But I’m still a person and I have a future ahead of me. There will be dark days, but there will also be sunshine. 🌞💔💙

When thinking of my boy, I can feel so many emotions..

Love, grief, pain, physical aches and so much more

But I can also react with tears, laughter, smiles and sadness.

I only have one wish and that is that this had never happened to me.

But it did…. So I continue on my journey a new person, striving to be the best I can be