You just want someone to love you…..

I know I felt the same…. Although I had people who loved me it wasn’t enough…. What I wanted was the impossible… The love of the boy I had lost.

So you continue on your journey numb to the love around you on a quest to be loved….. And what a quest it was!

So you find someone who cares for you, holds you, supports you while you build yourself back together again…. But there’s still a missing piece.

This missing piece isn’t ever found however all the other pieces hold you together, acceptance of the missing piece is your ticket to living 💙💔

Something that hit me when I lost my son was, that I only had a few friends….

At the time I felt so alone….

I had thrown myself into work in the hotel industry and was not one for socialising….

I don’t have many friends these days either, and tend to live my life in my own little bubble..

But the friends I have I cherish and although we don’t see each other every day we know we are there for each other.

It’s not the quantity of friends it’s the quality….. Keep them close 💙💔

I don’t want to go anywhere without my kids….. But every day I go somewhere without my precious boy.

I went to see my niece perform tonight…. I wonder whether her and my boy would have been close. I wonder what would my boy be doing now, what would his interests be…..

I take pride in everything my kids, nieces and nephews do….. they make me smile…they give me love, the pure kind…. Unconditional💙💔

Null and void……. Explains pretty much where I’m at today….. Its been a heavy two weeks with exams in uni work and family life.

It’s my dad’s anniversary today and I just know he is with my baby boy somewhere… Looking after him for me.

Kept myself busy today so that I wasn’t over thinking, this seems to be my go to tactic. Totally moved the furniture in the lounge this afternoon…. Feels better now. 💙💔

So tomorrow marks 9 years since I lost my dad. He sadly passed away due to the horrible illness MS.

My dad was wheelchair bound when i lost my son back in 2000, but insisted on carrying my boy’s tiny coffin . He wrapped his arms around it tight in his wheelchair..

That day he showed true strength, I’ve been proud of my dad all my life, but that day more than ever..

I guess what I’m trying to say is no matter how bad its gets deep down in your soul you have an inner strength, your reserve for those days when you really need it… 💙💔

A lot of people supported me, during very difficult times…..

I made a promise back then that if I could help someone I would. Today’s conversations have re-itterated this.

Helping doesn’t have to be a big thing, it can be the smallest of things…. But I can guarantee you it won’t go unnoticed.

It gives you the helper also something a sense of belonging, a warming in your heart knowing you helped somebody 💙💔

You know today I heard someone speak about not having to suffer negative people in their life…..

You know it’s true when your grieving surround yourself only with those who bring positivity….whether it be through support, love,advice anything….but only the positive.

Excluding the negative people doesn’t mean your being harsh or horrible…it means your strong enough to know you deserve better or you know it’s not what you need at that moment in your life… But stay humble and grounded…….💙💔

I remember feeling immense guilt for smiling or laughing during the early weeks of bereavement and remember myself actually saying “oh I musnt laugh”…..

I tell you this if I hadn’t have had those moments…the little laughter or moments that made me smile….I wouldn’t be writing this blog.

It’s ok to smile, it’s ok to laugh, it’s ok to crack a joke in moments of grief….it’s ok because….it’s ok…. you don’t need to justify your actions to nobody do what feels right…..nobody can tell you how to grieve 💙💔

Love the weekends spend time with your loved ones ….

When you face the loss of a loved one you realise how precious your loved ones are….yes there are things to do always…..but always make sure your family come first.

What will your children remember when your gone….that you cleaned the house every Saturday or that you jamp in puddles with them, played games with them and made time for them.💙💔

So you know you can live on strive for better…… you may not feel like it right now….. but I promise you if I can…. having totally lost myself in the first few years after loosing my precious boy then you can too.

Currently studying a degree today I have completed my fourth exam out of 6. I’m not going to be an A* student but I’m going to do my best to pass each year until I graduate.

I’m doing this to improve my future prospects, secure my future and help my family. I hope too that this will make my kids, family and friends proud of me 💙💔