So you know you can live on strive for better…… you may not feel like it right now….. but I promise you if I can…. having totally lost myself in the first few years after loosing my precious boy then you can too.

Currently studying a degree today I have completed my fourth exam out of 6. I’m not going to be an A* student but I’m going to do my best to pass each year until I graduate.

I’m doing this to improve my future prospects, secure my future and help my family. I hope too that this will make my kids, family and friends proud of me 💙💔

Say goodnight…..

Tell them you love them…..

Hold them tight………

Make them smile…….

For tomorrow is not promised to any of us 💙💔

I know some people role their eyes, or say , ‘here she goes again,’ or even ‘we know you’ve lost a son get over it’ …..harsh!!

That’s the reality people do become insensitive as time passes and you continue to mention your passed loved ones social media…..

I ask those people this, do people do it for attention? …….NO

They do it because they continue to hurt, they continue to think of and miss their loved ones. This is what they feel, makes them feel better……so take a moment to think how they may be feeling .

They want their loved ones to be remembered…..is that so bad? 💙💔

So I’m not great with doctors, nurses, specialists, dentists anything like that….I’m not sure why?

Since loosing my son I cry every time any professional asks me to explain what’s wrong with me or my kids….

I’m not upset or stressed before entering the room but something inside me makes me cry when they start talking to me.

I wonder if this stems from my experience of loosing my precious boy💙💔

Is anyone else like this?!?

So yesterday’s exam made my mind go a little wobbly to say the least!

Today I have just completed my law for business exam and it went well 💪

It’s back to routine today the hustle and bustle in the morning trying to get everyone ready for school work and nursery……

I love routine as I get the best bits of the day watching my kids do their activities, seeing them achieve and I don’t really get much time to think…that’s a bonus!

When I lost my son, never did j think my life was going to be like this I thought my world had ended……. I was extremely lucky to be given the chance to be a family again and I love every minute of it 💙💔

So the exam went ok I guess, did the huge mistake of googling answers afterwards. Big mistake!!!!

Of course I’m still stressing about it lol….

Why can’t I just accept it is what it is….because I always think the worst us gonna happen…..right now in my head I’ve failed the exam, failed the course, pulled out of uni…….STOP!!!!

What will be will be I did my best….that in reality is all I can do❤️💙💔

So as I prepare for my exams, in university I think about how my life has changed over the last 18 years.

I may never be the person I was before all this, my life path was going to be very different.

But after some years lost…..I started to rebuild my life. I went from being a experienced hotel worker/chef to admin…and since have been building a new life.

Last year I began my degree at uni and am hoping to give it my all, despite the challenges.

You see if you set your mind to it anything is possible 💙💔

Why survival I hear you say……well this is what my life became after loosing my precious boy who at the time was my only child.

In the first couple of years it almost wasn’t survival, but with friends and family and the little fight I had left in me I built myself back up.

I will never be whom I was…but that’s ok as I am proud of who I am today…battle scars on the inside and out but they are mine and I wear them with pride 💙💔

Every night before bed I check on my children, if they are sleeping I check their breathing…..yes that’s right 18 years later I’m still doing this.

Two of my children are teenagers and I still check on them. If I wake in the night which is most nights…..I have to check they are ok otherwise I can’t go back to sleep.

I’m not a morning person 🤨 in fact speak to me before 10 and it could go either way😬🤨😁…….this is because even after 18 years I can’t sleep properly.💙💔

So today has been a pretty average day….yes that right a average normal day…we can have those.

Just a busy day followed by a lovely tea with my family…..love them 💙

However now I’m on my own for an hour ….this is when the mind wonders back to you…💙💔👼