Tydi bywyd yn peth rhyfadd. Dwin teimlo mod i mewn ras, ond ras i ble?

Dros y blynyddoedd dwi di dysgu be sydd yn fy ngwneud yn hapus, petha reit syml rili. Teulu, adra a gwaith.

Ia gwaith! Pam …glywai chi’n deud. Wel ma gwithio yn rhoi sialens i fi, tynnu fy meddwl, cadw fi yn brysur….sydd union be dwi angen i gadw oddi wrth yr hunllefa sydd yn fy meddwl withia, ond hefyd yn nadu i mi or feddwl.

Hefyd ma gwaith yn rhan ohonai cyn dy golli di. Dwi di bod yn weithgar erioed a doedd dim yn gallu fy stopio.  Dwi meddwl bod cael gwithio fel dwi di neud erioed a wan yn ol yn y maes arlwyo yn gadael rhan bach ohonai fod y Delyth dwi di bod erioed

Dwi ddim wedi medru mynd yn ol i’r Delyth oeddwn i cyn dy golli, fydd hyny byth yn bosib,  oherwydd y diwrnod yna gollais fy hun hefyd. Ond mae bod yn gwaith, yn ganol pobol, yn gwneud fy ngora yn rhoi teimlad cynnes i mi.

Ond dal tu ol i’r clawr ma na lyfr enfawr sydd heb ei ddarllen ❤️💔

So this week has been a really tough one. Tough because of once again feeling helpless in situations that I can’t resolve and are out of my control.

I was also asked for the first time ever , if I was a Grandma!

It alerted me again to my age and the next chapter of life. It also alerted me to the fact that I have possibly centuries  again of worrying about the tragic thing that happened to me happening to one of my children and their babies.

Again some things are just out of your control……..

Doeddwn byth yn un am ofyn na dymuno. Doeddwn ddim yn coelio mewn ffashiwn beth. Ond yn y 24 mlynedd diwethaf dwin neud dim byd ond gofyn a dymuno am un peth na chai byth.

Heddiw, dwi di bod i neud dy fedd yn ddel, rhosod neis a ogla hyfryd. Rhoish i gusan i dy gareg.

Fory mi wnai fwynhau y Nadolig, ond fydd yr hen deimlad na yna eto, y teimlad bod wbath at goll.

A mi wnai unwaith eto gofyn a dymuno am chdi.

Nadolig Llawen fy mabi gwyn i💙

#meddwl #galar #gwacter #colled

Mi oeddwn wir yn meddwl fy mod yn sgwennu a neb yn eu darllen.

Wedi digwyddiad diweddar a sgwrs am bwysigrwydd ffindio cymorth yn dy mamiaith, Wel dyma fi yn rhoi tro arni!

Dwi teimlo dwi angen rhoi ‘disclaimer’ cyn dechrau, achos tydi fy nghymraeg i ddim yn berffaith felly maddeuwch i mi.

Heddiw aeth y goeden Nadolig i fyny yn ein ty ni. A unwaith eto roedd gen i hen deimlad hull yn fy stumog yn gwybod mod i yn gwynebu Dolig arall heb Owain Glyn neu O.G. fel oedd ni yn ei alw. 24 mlynedd erbyn rwan a dal mor anodd.

Mae yr angel fach gwydr, y seren fach a Tigger ar y goedon bob blwyddyn i gofio amdano. Ond bob blwyddyn er mod i mor lwcus o cael pawb ogwmpas y bwrdd a teulu i wario amser efo mae’r twll tywyllwch na dal yno dros yr wyl.

Erbyn hyn dwi di derbyn yr hen dwll tywyll na, oherwydd nad oes ffordd i’w wella. Yn hytrach dwi yn ei dderbyn ac yn mynd a fo efo fi ar siwrne bywyd!

When you have felt pain like no other been faced with loosing your child and no idea how to continue living. Fight through it every day and become the best version of you, you can be.

Then you continue on the journey and become good hearted cause you can’t stand to see anyone hurting. Because let’s face it there’s enough hate and harshness in the world. And you know what it’s like to be hurting and alone.

But what’s not OK is when people take advantage of your good heartedness and feel it appropriate to use you for their own success or even use you for what they can get out of you.

When I lost my son, I lost the ability to believe in myself. After all I couldn’t keep him alive so I was useless.

Though I know now that’s not true, I know that it wasn’t my fault. That feeling of being useless often surfaces.

I don’t want conflict nor will I stand up for myself sometimes in the fear of being humiliated or intimidated. I’m scared of facing failure again, but not scared of trying.

I know I’m worthy of a lot more than I give myself credit for, but my experiences ensure I remain humble no matter what, even adds a little self doubt along the way.

You can do this, it’s your journey, you decide and nobody else.

Delyth

I feel like I haven’t written anything for a very long time…..

When I first started writing this blog my aim was to help other parents who may have experienced a loss.

I remember sitting on the stairs cradling his blanket googling things like, how do you live after losing a child, how do I carry on …. And anything of that nature.

I found nothing that answered my questions, only advice on support groups , not to finish those things , but I wanted to know there was a future for me, that I didn’t find.

I don’t remember much of the 5 years after he passed, as I was just going through the motions of daily life not really knowing what I was doing, feeling or hoping.

Then I accepted I could no longer be the old me, she left with him. I was now a new person and I needed to get to know the new me who had experienced something no mother should face.

There began the journey…. I accepted that I overthink, I accepted that I felt a failure, and I accepted that I could live, just in a slightly different way than I had anticipated, I also accepted that I wasn’t crazy and that trauma had changed the way I see the world. The writing began.

23 years has now passed since my boy gained his wings, I still think of him every single day.

September 2023 will mark the end of my journey as a student. MBA in management will be complete!

Gwion and Beca are now 19 and 18, I’m so proud of both. They work full time and are kind souls, I always worried my journey and thoughts would affect them, maybe it has along the way. But today as I look at both of them I couldn’t be more proud of the adults they have become.

Which brings me onto the little fella , the bundle of joy that moved in just over 6years ago now. He is doing amazing, all expectations were thrown out the window and I now cherish every little development as they come . I couldn’t be prouder he is learning at his own pace, he faces his challenges with determination and grit and although challenging I love that about him. I never anticipated having to do this journey on my own, but he knows he is loved by both his guardians and though we aren’t together he is very well supported by both of us through his journey.

As the summer holidays come to and end and having worked most of it, we have had amazing Fridays and weekends together. …..

All thats left to say is, there is life after childloss, you can do it 💪❤️