21 years…..

Our son would be reaching a milestone birthday next week, his 21st birthday. I can’t help but say that I’m tired, I’m tired of grieving, tired of waking every day feeling that a part of me is missing.

I have done this now for 21 years…….

Have heard it all, time is a great healer, give it time, things will get better.

Truth is my love for him will never die, nor will the ache inside me that is so heavy to carry.

I’ve ordered special orange and white flowers for him, and I’m sure I will find a lovely balloon to go with them.

Although things are hard, harder than they have been for a long time, just now, this tiger will fight on scars and all…….

A day of mixed emotions

There are days when I think I use every possible emotion.

It really is the little things, the little arms around your neck and the almost words ‘I love you’. The older children and their kind caring ways.

Yes I know seems too perfect, and at times it is. We have flying hormones and moments where everything is just too much. I will sob for moment and wonder why everything goes wrong.

But I am mum and I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, so I grit my teeth pull myself together and carry on.

Then I end the day watching instant family. Well I cried and laughed, I never thought I would be in the same situation (well almost the same) but I love my kids 2 teenagers, one toddler whom I am guardian to and my angel boy in heaven.

One lucky mama bear 💜💙💙💔

And tomorrow we will do it all again 😊👌

Grow around the grief

I hear so many people say I can’t get over it…..

I don’t think we do, the grief remains, but somehow with almighty strength we grow around it.

I would explain it best as a roundabout where the busy life goes along the road but the island remains still in the middle, sometimes there are flowers and trees, but it remained strong in the middle.

Punishing yourself for not getting over it, doesn’t help. Accept that this will have an effect on who you are now and let yourself grow around it.

Your lost loved ones are with you forever, safe in your heart ❤️

Covid 19 and my family ❤️

My anxiety has been uncontrollable over the last few weeks. I appreciate the simpler things in life and have been cautious since the pandemic began. The only real difference was working and studying from home and no outing on the weekend.

I was always extremely anxious about the pandemic, and got upset at the people who just didn’t care and carried on regardless.

But then my world came crashing in when 2 from our household tested positive. I can’t tell you the anxiety I have felt. But as we come to the end of the isolation period not fully recovered, and some way to go. I am thankful we have got through it.

You see its really hard to rationalise when you have come close to or have lost someone dear to you. I have had so many nightmares these last 2 weeks reliving the tragic loss I faced nearly 21 years ago. And worryk g it would happen again.

Please be careful, stay home, stay safe. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone during this pandemic. We are lucky and I appreciate everyone who has supported us, sent messages over the last few weeks. ❤️