Loss, lockdown and the future

Back in 2000 when my life fell apart in an instant, I couldn’t see a future, or happiness going forward.

I battled daily with the pain of having to continue life without my boy. Things like this just aren’t meant to happen no parent should ever have to lose a child

2020 and lockdown has had an affect on me, its at times tested my strength and on occasion its take me to a dark place.

Now in 3rd year of university with only a couple of months left, and the world slowly getting back to normal, there is a little light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I am so lucky to have my little family. I’m not sure what the future holds, but I must face it head on.

To whoever may be struggling right now, don’t give up, talk, discuss take a breath and trust in yourself. Words can mean nothing when your hearing them, but trust that everyone that talks to you are trying to support you and help you 💙💔


No matter what I will be OK……

I read the above today and how someone has taken this as their go to saying.

Mine has always been, ‘I am made of strong stuff’ or ‘having been through what I have, iit honestly can’t get any worse’.

But I like the positivity of the above quote, it’s a sign of inner strength. Although often I feel that I am very weak and fragile, all that I have been through has made me be more resilient, more aware but most of all stronger than I thought I could ever be.

Embrace who you are

Do you have something you say to yourself when things get tough?

21 years…..

Our son would be reaching a milestone birthday next week, his 21st birthday. I can’t help but say that I’m tired, I’m tired of grieving, tired of waking every day feeling that a part of me is missing.

I have done this now for 21 years…….

Have heard it all, time is a great healer, give it time, things will get better.

Truth is my love for him will never die, nor will the ache inside me that is so heavy to carry.

I’ve ordered special orange and white flowers for him, and I’m sure I will find a lovely balloon to go with them.

Although things are hard, harder than they have been for a long time, just now, this tiger will fight on scars and all…….

A day of mixed emotions

There are days when I think I use every possible emotion.

It really is the little things, the little arms around your neck and the almost words ‘I love you’. The older children and their kind caring ways.

Yes I know seems too perfect, and at times it is. We have flying hormones and moments where everything is just too much. I will sob for moment and wonder why everything goes wrong.

But I am mum and I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, so I grit my teeth pull myself together and carry on.

Then I end the day watching instant family. Well I cried and laughed, I never thought I would be in the same situation (well almost the same) but I love my kids 2 teenagers, one toddler whom I am guardian to and my angel boy in heaven.

One lucky mama bear 💜💙💙💔

And tomorrow we will do it all again 😊👌

Grow around the grief

I hear so many people say I can’t get over it…..

I don’t think we do, the grief remains, but somehow with almighty strength we grow around it.

I would explain it best as a roundabout where the busy life goes along the road but the island remains still in the middle, sometimes there are flowers and trees, but it remained strong in the middle.

Punishing yourself for not getting over it, doesn’t help. Accept that this will have an effect on who you are now and let yourself grow around it.

Your lost loved ones are with you forever, safe in your heart ❤️